07 June 2009

Not all fun and games

I've been struggling with the decision of whether to post this. I wanted to because I tend to post about what's going on in my life and this definitely qualifies. But I was hesitant because I know someone people from Ravelry take a peek, and I'm not sure that a post of this ilk is what they'd expect. They probably expect to see some FO pics, some yarn pics, and hear some funny little knitastrophe anecdote.

So, I'll warn you now... if that's what you expect and you'll be disappointed by anything else, then you probably shouldn't keep reading this post. Because, in the end, I've decided that, dammit, it's my blog and I'll post what I want to let out into the world.

As many of you know, I am a rape survivor. I was raped by my mom's second husband, after several years of being molested by him. He had helped my mom raise me since I was four years old.

I've been in therapy for years, and I've dealt with the rape several times before. It tends to be an issue that shows up in waves - sometimes I need to talk about it a LOT and other times I can go for quite awhile without needing to process it.

Without going into a lot of detail right now (mostly because it's past 1:00 a.m.), I'll just say that some current events in my life have me reprocessing (yet again) the rape. I'm back to sitting in my therapist's office crying and processing and asking the hard questions that, really, have no answer. And never will.

I also decided to post this here because I've ALWAYS been very open about the rape and its effects on me (why hide from it when I kick-started a move to change Missouri law because of what happened to me and had to write in testimony for the legislative records?). I want other victims to know that it doesn't always have to be the bottomless pit that it sometimes feels like, and I want people who aren't victims to not pity me. I guess it comes down to wanting to be seen as a strong survivor, not as a weak victim.

Anyway, another reason for posting is because, frankly, I could use the support of my friends. It's not that I need to discuss the details with all of you individually, but I could certainly make do with an extra hug here and there, a meaningful "no, really - how ARE you doing?", and some understanding if I'm a bit... distracted.



  1. I don't remember if I've ever told you this, but I admire your courage. I cannot imagine the courage it takes to speak out about something so personal and painful. It's women like you that give me hope that someday no woman will ever suffer in silence.

  2. Big hugs from me, and a snuggle and a kiss (without puppy teeth) from Penny.

  3. I have to echo everything Sunnyspirit23 said. You're such a strong and genuine lady. Hugs to you.

  4. Hi there. I don't know you, and am one of those folks who popped over from Ravelry. I have to say that I am impressed with and touched by your candor and courage. (Also - if you ever find yourself wanting to switch therapists, I absolutely adore mine and think she might be the best one I've ever had.)

  5. ((((Hugs)))) to you. I have a dear friend who lives with the results of a father who did the same to her. She endures by remembering the waves also recede. Never easy, but sometimes easier.
    I respect so much that you are open about your experience.
    Hugs again,