In Memoriam: Oscar

19 February 1996 - 05 July 2010

Last Tuesday, Oscar and I went to the vet, got some steroids, and hoped that he'd start doing better. On Wednesday, we heard that his thyroid levels were too low, adjusted his meds accordingly, and hoped for the best. But he was already doing better, despite refusing the meds. Having been a social worker for "the aging" (aka: old people), I was aware that sometimes sick people (and animals) perk up for a bit right before they die. So even though Ocs started to ambulate better and even though he joined me for a shower, I was afraid to hope. But by Saturday night when he full-out JUMPED onto the love seat, my heart soared. I hugged him tight to my chest, told him I'd missed him, and welcomed him back. Little did I know.

When he woke up Sunday, he stumbled all the way down the hall, ending his trek by falling in the living room. Throughout the day, he got progressively worse. He had a bad fall in the litter box, in which he managed to flip himself over and ended up doing a face-plant in the litter. By the end of the day, he would only eat if I spoon-fed him baby food, and he would drink only if I brought a water bowl to him, and then he drank by putting the right half of his face in the bowl and drank sideways out of his mouth. He was non-responsive to pets or his name being called, and he was unable to walk or even stand by nighttime.

I called Dr. Kurpel first thing Monday morning, and described my boy's personality and symptoms. She said if I felt like it was time to say good-bye, bring him on in, and if she agreed, we could either do it today when I brought him in, or I could take him home to prepare myself and bring him back when I was ready. She then offered to transfer me back to the front desk to make the appointment, or said I could call back when I was ready. I decided I was ready to make the appointment then. I made the appointment for 3:40 p.m. Then I called Naomi and it was decided that she and Anju would accompany me to the vet's office. I asked Naomi to call the vet and get permission for me to bring Ocs in wrapped in his favourite blanket (a NASCAR blanket I won at Kansas Speedway two years ago). First, he couldn't stand or walk, so he wasn't going anywhere. Second, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving with an empty cat crate. They said it was fine.

Jill came over and got some pictures of Oscar. As Jill said, they probably won't capture the spirti of the Ocs, but at least I'll some more pics. We put him on his window perch, and hoped for the best. If any of them come out decent, I'll share them. Then Fe decided he needed to ham it up for the camera, so Jill got some pretty good pics of him, too. I tried to get some food into Ocs, but he refused food all day. Later, when Oscar and I left, I asked Felix if he wanted to tell Oscar good-bye, and I swear to God (and Naomi can verify this), Felix ran over to Oscar and they rubbed noses. No one will EVER be able to convince me that didn't mean something.

When we got to the vet's office, I made eye contact with Zoe (the ever-so-wonderful front desk woman), and I burst into tears. Zoe immediately grabbed a waiting room chair and said, "C'mon, let's get you into an exam room where you can sit down and be with him." Anju and Naomi came in with me, and I let Ocs lie on the exam table on his blanket. Dr. Kurpel saw him, and didn't even bother with all of the normal vitals. She saw him lying there, only his tail flicking back and forth occasionally, and I told her how the last 36 hours had been. She noted that when he comes in, he's usually pretty relaxed, but he was way beyond that. I replied that the only movement from him had been the tail. She said that, unlike with dogs, when cats flick their tails, it's a sign of UNhappiness - in Oscar's case, most likely pain or discomfort. Oh. Why did I feel instantly guilty?

A couple of times, while we were discussing some minor doubts that I had (He was like this last Monday, then he had five good days. What if we don't do this today and he's scheduled for another week of good days?), he tried to lift his head and just couldn't. At one point, he let out a strangled howl. She later told me that cats really only do that when it's their time to go. Their voice changes and gets deep, and it's a voice you only hear when they're about to go. And she said it was when she heard that that she knew it was his time.


She said that if I was still feeling like it was time to say good-bye to him, she completely supported that decision. I said I did feel that way, and I wanted to go ahead and do it today. She explained the procedure, and asked if I wanted to be with him for it. I told her that Oscar had been with me for everything, and I wasn't leaving him now. She asked me if I wanted some more time alone with him before she started, and I said it was okay - I'd been preparing since last week, really. Although she had explained the procedure before, she thoughtfully explained every step again as she did it. After a few minutes, she came back and gave Oscar the first shot to sedate him. She said she'd be back in a few minutes to check on him. At this point, I asked Naomi and Anju to say their good-byes to Oscar, as I wanted to be alone with him in his final moments.

Dr. Kurpel came back in after a few minutes, and started to insert the IV in Oscar's leg, but he wasn't sedated enough. So she gave him another shot, and we waited another few minutes. Finally, it was time. She gave him the IV drugs, and as soon as it was injected, she used her stethoscope to check his heart, nodded, looked at me, and whispered, "He's gone." She said I could stay in the room as long as I wanted to, she could bring my friends back if I wanted to, she gave me some materials on pet bereavement, and she told me I could call her anytime to talk if I needed to.

Then Dr. Kurpel and I had an impromptu little eulogy-esque type of thing for the Ocs. She said that cats sometimes put on a persona when they come in, but she could tell that Oscar was just Oscar - that he was really sweet and charismatic. And she always told him how handsome he was. I told her about the time that Oscar "buried" a dead bird under Mom's couch, and we only found it after we went looking for the thing that had made the house smell REALLY bad for three days. And how he planted his nose right in my ear at night so all I heard was his rather loud purr. And how he takes showers with me, and now showers will never be the same without him.

Before I left, I talked to Dr. Kurpel about Felix. See, Fe and Ocs were best buds. The very first night they were introduced, they were playing together. They actually woke me up that first night, and I thought they were fighting, but they were playing. And they've been pretty inseparable since; they groom each other, they play together, and they sleep together. So I'm worried about how Felix will react to not having his buddy around. She told me to watch his appetite and make sure he's eating. See if he starts hiding out. Monitor changes in behaviour. She said sometimes the surviving cat will take on the traits of the cat who passed. But, either way, just pay a little extra attention to him in the coming days, and call her if I have questions or concerns about the little guy.

We also talked a little bit about how confused I was about how Oscar went downhill so fast, then made this recovery for five days, then took a VERY sudden turn for the worse. She said that cats are especially good at masking pain and discomfort. But seeing at how quickly and aggressively this thing attacked Oscar, her best guess is that he had either a tumour or a cancer of some kind - that it went WAY beyond the thyroid issue, and anything I could have picked up on just from observing him at home. I just shook my head and sighed. Then she repeated her offer to call her anytime to talk to her if I needed to.

Once again, thank you for all of the support I've received throughout the last few weeks. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for making me laugh, for the hugs, and most of all... for just listening to me cry on the phone (you know who you are).

Oscar's Vet Visit

As you know, Oscar and I had an appointment with Dr. Kurpel this morning. Last night, I had tucked Ocs in next to me, growing increasingly worried at his glassy, half-closed eyes. He was showing no interest in food or water, and I was pretty sure I knew how the conversation with Dr. Kurpel was going to go. I woke up nearly every hour, and I finally woke up just a few minutes before my alarm was set to go off, and started about my day.

To my surprise, Oscar joined me in the bathroom as I was getting ready to go. He had gotten off the bed by himself and walked down the hall into the bathroom. Now, as background, he almost always comes into the bathroom whenever I'm in there (typical cat - he must know what's going on at all times), but for the past couple of weeks, he's had no interest in anything going on. So this was two good signs - ambulating on his own accord and showing interest in old "hobbies." Then he wandered into the kitchen for some water. Then the trouble started. He tripped over the bathroom scale in the hallway. He stumbled in the living room. After he drank some water, he couldn't turn around (whether from sheer exhaustion or inability to manoeuvre, I don't know), so he just laid down in front of the water (which had the bonus of pissing Felix off). But his eyes were no longer glassy - they were wide and alert. He was holding his head up better (although it was still shaky), and he seemed generally perked up.

So, to the vet we went. And, this is when I want to sing the praises (not literally, because that would offensive to your ears) of Naomi who graciously put her day on hold to accompany Ocs and me to the vet today.

Dr. Kurpel checked out his vitals and checked his leg reflexes. She also watched him walk a little bit. He still stumbles when he walks, and he often splays his hind legs out, as if he can't hold them under him properly. She also noticed the same thing that I had with regard to his front leg also starting to get a little wonky. His right front leg is showing some weakness (but I'm wondering if that's because he's using his front legs to compensate for his hind legs), and he's been crossing his front legs when he walks. We discussed next steps. The options she laid out were to go see a neurologist, who she said probably wouldn't be able to tell a whole lot without doing testing such as MRIs, CAT scans, etc., which would involve sedation (read: much expense). And, of course, that would lead to findings, which would lead to, "So, here's what we can do about that." Which leads to more decisions, more procedures, etc. So, basically, it's a whole path I'd be taking Ocs down.

I told her that I'd given it a LOT of thought last night, discussed it with Wise Women (read: Mom and Ria) and decided that it just didn't make sense for a 14-year-old cat who has lived a long, full life and already has chronic health issues (thyroid disease and suspected arthritis). Plus, as Naomi mentioned, with an older cat, the anaesthesia alone is already an increased risk. And, as we all know, with an animal, you can't just explain to them that they're being poked and prodded for a reason and it's all to make them feel better. So, with all of that in mind, I felt pretty strongly against the neuro option.

She said she thought that actually made a lot of sense, and that she would make the same decision for her cat at home, given the circumstances. I felt SO relieved. I said, "Oh good! I was so worried I would leave and you'd talk about me to the other people here, like 'Man, I thought she was worried about her cat!'" She said, "Uh, you've MET me, right?" She said that she'd just told me about the neurologists at Penn because it's her responsibility to tell me about all of my options and let me make an informed decision. So, on to Option #2.

So said Ocs might have some kind of inflammation that could be causing all of this, so we could try a oral steroids. We discussed what the possible side effects of the steroids are, what could happen if we just do nothing, if the goal here is that the steroids help him or just make him not get worse (we're hoping for the former, but we'll settle for the latter), etc. If the steroids work, this will be another medication that he'll be on chronically. If not, we'll need to figure out what to do next.

She and I discussed quality of life indicators. Today, things for him are good. But yesterday and Sunday, they definitely weren't. (Oh, and I learned that purring doesn't equate contentedness. Sometimes, a purr can be a "pain purr.") The plan for now is that I will check in with Dr. Kurpel on Saturday, but sooner than that if Oscar takes a bad turn again.

Once again, I can't thank everyone enough for all the hugs, prayers, and thoughts you've sent our way. It means so much to me that you've been supporting Oscar, Felix, and me through all of this.

Oscar Update, Part II

I just called the vet and spoke to her because despite what seemed like some good signs yesterday, Oscar was showing some not-so-good signs today. First the good news: I did NOT have to make A Big Decision today.

Now, the rest of the update:

Yesterday, we walked through the house (largely unprompted) - still swaying and stumbling, but not as much - and then used the litter box all by himself. This seemed encouraging as I had been having to helping in and out of the box.

Then, this morning, he fell getting into his box. And he stayed in his splayed out position until I ran across the room to help him. After that, he has pretty much refused to try to walk at all. At one point, I got him off the of bed and put him on the floor to try to get him to drink some water, and he wouldn't even try to stand up; he just immediately laid down. I picked him up again, and, again, he made no effort to try to find his footing. The third time, he tried and stood for a few seconds until his legs started to give, then laid back down. Okay, fine, message delivered. I brought the water bowl to him.

I also noticed today that one of his front legs seems like it is also starting to act a little gimpy, which is troublesome. This is what prompted the phone call to Dr. Kurpel. I don't like new symptoms! When she called, she asked how I was, I said I was fine; I asked how she was, and she said she was good. Then she asked how Oscar was doing, which is when I just burst into tears. I said, "I actually don't know, which is why I'm calling you." I explained that it seemed like he was doing worse, then better, and now worse again.

We talked about his symptoms, including his ever-increasing lethargy, and she suggested that I see a neurologist at Penn's Vet School, if I thought he was stable. If not, I should take him to the ER. A third option was that I could bring him back there and she could do a regular exam to make sure that everything that she could check was fine, as far as heart rate, lungs, blood pressure, temperature, etc. If anything there was funky, that would at least save me a trip to a specialist. I decided to do that first thing in the morning, and we'll discuss options from there.

I'm hesitant about going the specialist route since - honestly (and not to be mean, but...) I don't have a lot of money. I'm unemployed right now, and we're talking about a 14-year-old cat. A 14-year-old cat who I love dearly, but who already has thyroid disease. So I also want to talk to Dr. Kurpel about what kinds of things, in her non-specialist opinion, does she think we could be talking about.

I also want to thank everyone who has been really supportive to Oscar, Felix, and me throughout the past several days.

Oscar Update

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that Oscar has been ill again.

We went to see the wonderfully awesome Dr. Kurpel on Wednesday because I noticed several days ago that Oscar was having some problems ambulating - he wasn't able to jump up onto the love seat, and was actually having to crawl onto it. I had also taken note that Ocs had missed the last several showers with me, which is not at all like him. In fact, when I can't find him, I'll just start the shower water running, and he'll come running (it's a handy trick). He seemed generally lethargic, but I had written that off to the hot weather; I mean, I wasn't really going out of my way to run up and down the hallway, either, you know? But when he started stumbling around my apartment like a drunken sailor, it was time to call the vet.

And they said, "Bring him in TODAY." Okey doke.

I took him in later that afternoon and Dr. Kurpel said she didn't think it was a stroke (because I didn't report Ocs seeming disoriented or tilting his head a lot), but she did suspect a vascular event of some sort. She said it can be a side effect of the thyroid medication that Oscar is on for blood clots to form, and if he has a blood clot, it could be making its way through his spinal cord. And if it is a blood clot, it should make its way through his system and clear up. She said that has seen cats before brought in with complete hind leg paralysis due to the thyroid meds, and she said that once it gets to that point, that only thing that can be done is to put the cats to sleep. I asked her what kinds of warning signs to look for, and she said not to worry, because if that was going to happen to Oscar, it would have already happened. Whew.

HOWEVER, if Oscar isn't ambulating well in the next few days, pretty much the only other thing to do would be MRIs and CAT scans to look for brain lesions and spinal cord lesions, which would run over a thousand dollars. She thoughtfully remembered that I was unemployed the last time we met and asked if I was working yet. I told her no. She was very honest in telling me that even if we did those tests and found something, there's only so much that could be done and even THEN, there would have to be discussions about the likelihood of success of those surgeries, quality of life after, etc.

While we were there, we did his routine thyroid blood draw, which includes kidney and liver function tests. She also checked his blood pressure and did a blood sugar test to check for diabetes. Sugars and blood pressure were great. She called me the next day to let me know that everything with his kidneys and liver looked great, and his white cell count was SLIGHTLY elevated, but it was so slight that she wasn't worried about it. However, his thyroid level is now too low (he's been too high all this time). She said she's seen it happen before in one cat that she treated where the hind legs get locked up due to hypothyroidism, so that could also be contributing to the problem. So we adjusted the meds that day. I'm to call her early next week (which is now in just a few days), and let her know if Ocs is doing any better. From there, we'll make any decisions we need to make. *gulp*

Yesterday... was not good. Oscar was unable to sit properly to eat or drink. After he ate a little, he tried to walk about five feet and fell over. I burst into tears and went over to pet him, only to find that he was purring away - at least one of us was happy. Last night, I moved the food and water into my bedroom (where the litter boxes are) so Ocs wouldn't have to leave.

Mostly, I'm spending a lot of time this weekend holding and petting Oscar - hoping for the best, steeling myself for the worst.

In the meantime, enjoy this picture Oscar making himself comfortable with my friend Rachel (who Ria knows better as Med Student):

One year ago today...

I've been sitting here for about an hour trying to write this post. I wasn't sure whether to write that the world lost a legend a year ago, that I lost a personal hero, or that we all lost a musical/dance genius. Because it's all true.

He's outsold any other musical artist. He has inspired an entire generation of other artists in both musical stylings and choreography. He was the first black artist to have a music video played on MTV (remember when MTV actually played videos?). He co-wrote "We Are the World" with Lionel Richie, a song for charity, which was the fast-selling U.S. single in history. He's overcome personal demons, many of which have been documented (and vehemently denied by Joseph Jackson) and some of which I believe we'll never know about. He alluded to some of them in his single "Childhood." He unsuccessfully tried to overcome a painkiller addiction (acquired when his hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial), but the point is that he had the courage to acknowledge the problem and face it - not that he failed. And he was a great philanthropist; he gave over $300 million and founded the Heal the World foundation.

I still have things on my TiVo that I recorded a year ago when the tributes started. Some of them (like the video tributes) I've watched over and over again. But most of them I haven't watched at all because it's just too painful. I still can't believe he's gone, even a full year later.

Random events make me cry. During a scene in "We Are Marshall," the Jackson 5 song "The Love You Save" is played, and I burst into tears. Walking through the city the other day, I heard someone blasting "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," and I found tears streaming down my cheeks. I never knew losing someone I've never met could be so painful.

I understand that some of you reading this don't share my love or passion for MJ, but please be kind to those of us who are still in grieving and are in pain (in general, but especially this weekend). One of the women on my MJ board shared this story this week: She and her fiancé (who are getting married in a few weeks) were meeting with their DJ. Her fiancé mentioned to the DJ how much she loves Michael, and the DJ asked her, "So, have you gotten used to him being dead yet?"

Earlier this week, I ordered a floral arrangement of sunflowers (his favourite flower) to be placed at his internment site today. For the past few weeks, I've been working on two MJ cross-stitch patterns. I was hoping to have them both done by today, but I only succeeded in getting one of them done; I think the other one will be done this weekend, though.

PS. Dear Joseph Jackson: Screw you for filing a wrongful death claim. All MJ fans should file one against YOU.

Knitting for Mom

Last December, my mom travelled with me to North Carolina to drop afghans off to the Victory Junction Camp, which is a charity drive I organise every year through Ravelry. While we down there, I let my mom browse through some knitting books and magazines I had brought to see if anything caught her eye. She chose the Gossamer Stars Scarf by Kat Coyle.

The next day (actually, for the next two days), Cristi took Mom and I on a yarn/fabric/food crawl (hint: if you ever need a Charlotte yarn crawl, this is the woman to consult!). I found the yarn I wanted to use for Mom's scarf: Southwest Trading Company's Bamboo, purchased at Yarnhouse. Going by the yardage stated in the pattern, copiously doing the maths (since this particular LYS isn't local to ME and I had one shot at getting the knitting maths right), I purchased three skeins. As it turned out, I only needed two. Score!

This scarf is worked from the middle out - start with a provisional cast-on, work to one end, pick up the live stitches and then work to the other end. It's charted - yay, and is pretty simple. There was one stitch that I had to consult The Woman Who Knows Everything (aka: Brook) about because when I did it, it wasn't looking AT ALL like the pictures. But she fiddled with it and reported back that it wouldn't until I purled back on the next row. So I soldiered on. That, plus the knowledge that I had forgotten how to count to six solved much.

Mom and I agreed that this would be her combination birthday/Mother's Day gift (her birthday is 02 April), which worked out nicely since I'd be seeing her again in Charlotte late-May for the NASCAR All-Star race and Coca-Cola 600. My intent was to cast on the scarf during the Opening Ceremonies of the winter Olympics and use the scarf as my Knitting Olympics (as hosted by the Yarn Harlot) challenge. However, that was the time period during which Oscar was so sick, so that didn't work out very well.

However, the scarf did get done. And Mom was pretty pleased with it:

George the Blanket

Late last year, I started a secret mission. I wanted to do a baby blanket for my close friend Brook. But this was quite the challenge. Why?

Because the person I usually consult when I need pattern ideas? Brook.
The person I usually consult when I need yarn ideas to go with the pattern? Brook.
The person I usually consult when I need help with the pattern? Brook.

Aye yi yi.



So I turned to Cristi instead. I explained the situation, and within about five seconds (if that long), she sent me the link for the Serenity Blanket by Laura Wilson-Martos. I picked out a yarn with the help of Kathy and Craig at Loop, my favourite LYS. My selection was Douglas Fir by Lorna's Laces, which has become my favourite yarn - it's so soft, they make magnificent colourways, and, well, I'm a sucker for alliteration.

The pattern comes in both written out form and in charted form. I love charts, but I occasionally referred to the written instructions just to make sure I was on track. The blanket is worked from the middle out. The first several rows are worked on dpns, but if I were to do it again, I think I'd try to see if I could magic loop it because it was pretty fidgety. In fact, I remember doing it a few times before I felt good about how it looked.


There was only one point when I had to stop and ask Cristi for advice, and there was another point at which I wanted to, but I thought it was a dumb question so I was determined to figure it out for myself. It was more a point of pure stubbornness. "I've been knitting for just over four years now, dammit! I should be able to figure out a basic pattern!"



The most irritating part was my own stupidity when I forgot how to count to two and I didn't discover it until four rows later. And at that point my rows were 400+ stitches each. And since the rows involved k2togs and YOs, I really just HAD to tink back... over 1600 stitches. At the time I didn't have blocking wires (mats, yes; wires, not so much). So trying to block a perfect square without wires was... interesting, especially with Oscar and Felix "helping" me. lol

But I was really pleased with the result. Brook deemed the blanket to be George (a girl) although the baby was Jamie (a boy).