Justice for MJ

The Twitter hashtag that the MJ fans have been using (and that we've all been using on the fan boards for the past two years now) is "justice4mj," so it was difficult for me to remember to type it as "Justice for MJ."  It's just become such a habit to type "justice4mj."

Anyway - I got an alert via Twitter on Monday that the verdict was going to be read at 4:00 p.m. EST.  It was a rare "I stayed late at work" day (thought not that late), so it was nearly 4:00 p.m. when I got this, and we were still about four blocks from my house.  As soon as I got off the trolley, I sprinted home and found CNN on my tv.  I didn't bother to hang up my bag or coat, throwing them on the couch beside me (although I have coat hooks for my bags and coat immediately by my front door).

I had planned on recording the trial and skimming it every night, but when they showed Michael's dead body on the first day, and I sat on my couch sobbing for ... I don't even know how long... I decided this was probably not a good idea.  So I just read recaps every day.

I was so anxious waiting for the verdict.  I've done enough time with two different DA's offices that I was sure that I knew what a less-than-ten-hour deliberation period (given the length of trial) AND a no-questions-from-the-jury verdict meant.  But I wasn't going to count anything as a sure bet until the words.  Because I've also seen some crazy-ass juries come back and say some crazy-ass things during the time when the attorneys could question them about their thoughts, why they voted the way they did, etc.

As soon as the clerk read the verdict, I start crying.  I was sad that I wasn't on the street outside of the courthouse with the other fans, who are people who would have understood the conflicting emotions - reliving the loss, feeling elated that Murrary is now a convicted felon, but still left wondering if justice will really ever be served.  (Also, is it sad that when we heard a female yell when the clerk read the verdict, I was POSITIVE it was LaToya... and I later learnt that I was right?)

The most Murray can serve is four years, but even if he's sentenced to that, he most likely won't serve anything close to that because of the prison overcrowding situation.  (Think Lindsey Lohan being sentenced to 30 days and serving 4 hours.)  Although he's convicted of a felony, it's one of the "lesser" ones, so he could serve it out on house arrest or get it changed to probation.  His medical license will be revoked, but only in California.  While the DA's office has stated they hope the states in which he's licensed to practice medicine will look into this situation, one of those states is Arizona, and a year after they revoke, he would eligible to reapply to practice.

And, at the end of the day... obviously none of this brings Michael back.  The world is left arguing about whether he was a drug addict, whether his concert would have been phenomenal or a mess, and wondering whether "This Is It" really would have been it (I was hoping not.  I was hoping it was the beginning of a spectacular comeback, although now that he was raising a family...).

Michael, I'm going to quote one of your sister's songs here: I miss you much.

Michael Jackson Radio

On Ravelry, there's a Michael Jackson Tribute group, and, of course, I'm a member.  As you might imagine, it was much more active when Michael first died, and action kicks up on the anniversary of his death and his birthday, but we all still chatter every once in awhile.

I posted last week on there when some of us were talking about how we were spending the day remembering him on the second anniversary of his death.  Some of my post was similar to my blog post here, but some of it was different because the audience was different.

One of the women there PMed (private messaged) me on Rav earlier this week.  She had seen my message there, and she wanted to let me know that there's a Michael Jackson group on Ustream.  They meet every Monday and Friday and listen to MJ songs for five hours and chat.  She invited me to join in and check it out.  I wasn't sure it would be for me, but hey - what was the harm in it?

It was actually a lot of fun.  The guy who runs it is in California (thus the outrageously late hours for East Coast people!), and many of the people had been in Disneyland last week for World Michael Jackson day.  A lot of the conversation in the chat room while we all listened to MJ songs was reminiscing about their time together, so that was kind of meh, but some of the rest of the conversation was fun.  I'll definitely be back.

I also found out there's a woman in the group who lives not far from me!  Ha!  I had to go to Ravelry to meet a woman in Connecticut to tell me about a group in California where I went to meet a woman from the next county over.  She told me that a woman there is organising the Thrill the World event for the Philly area this area, so I might actually get involved this year.  We'll see.

Michael... Still Missing You

I can't believe Michael has been gone for two years now.

Time is so funny.  It seems like only yesterday that I was sitting here in disbelief wondering how in the hell a reputable station like CNN could be reporting something like Michael Jackson's death.  When the hell did THEY start dealing in tabloid gossip?  I got why TMZ was flashing it on their site, but CNN?  Bunch of friggin' sell-outs.  I was so ANGRY.  Why were they attacking him AGAIN?

But then multiple reports started flooding in from other reputable news sources.  And I just didn't understand.  I called Mom because maybe only the Philly stations had been hacked and were hearing this drivel.  But, no... she had heard the news, too.  And, still... it just didn't compute.  Why would these people be doing this?

On the other hand, it seems like forever ago that I left for work early the day after The King of Pop died so I could stop at Dunkin Donuts.  I had a simple bribe for the people at my office - you can have doughnuts, but please don't mention Michael; I just can't take it.  It seems like forever ago that I was putting out calls to my friends all over the country for newspapers reporting the end of Michael's life.  And my shock when one person in New York flatly refused to have nothing to do with it, simply because HE was involved.

To this day, my therapist and I still discuss ways for me to cope with this huge loss.  I know that he wasn't someone I knew personally.  I know that some people have never understood and will never understand my grief.  Slowly but surely, I am trying to move toward celebrating his life and legacy and away from mourning the loss.

But I'm sad for the people who know him as only a punchline, and the people who know him as only a aging star, and the people who know him as only a the guy who got famous again after he died.  I'm sad that there won't be any new music or any new dance moves.  I'm sad that there won't be any new innovative videos from him.

He inspired an entire generation (at least) of rock, R&B, and hip-hop stars (in song, dance, and video); he was a great humanitarian, he was an amazing philanthropist, and, by all accounts, he was a wonderful father.

Michael, I still miss you.

Job, Life, and an Apple

I got some news yesterday from the full-time job.  It's...  interesting news.  That's about all I'm willing to say on the blog.  First, it's a bit complicated, but it's also LONG.  And it just wouldn't be professional for me to say what I have to say.  But I do appreciate your ongoing support, prayers, lit candles, crossed everything, positive thoughts, etc.

Today was also interesting.  Last night, I put in an online job application.  Today, I got a call from that application.  They wanted to interview me this evening.  Okay, sure.  I'm game.  I got offered the job -- to start tomorrow.  There were a few issues with the job, though.

So I called my mom and we discussed it.  After I went home and read over the paperwork they gave me to look over, I called Mom and brought up another concern.  And we decided that I won't be taking this job.  It feels so weird to turn down a job after looking for one for a year and a half, but this one really wasn't right for several reasons.  Mom was concerned about it from a safety perspective.  And there were some financial issues to consider that I won't get into here.  I feel weird about my decision, but it really does make the most sense.

Also today, I went to the Apple store.  I've been having some problems with my MacBook.  Of course, the issues popped up a few months after my 2-year warranty expired (why wouldn't they?).  I kept meaning to take my baby (as I call it; she doesn't have a name yet) in, but I didn't want to waste tokens on a trip to the city just for that, but it was difficult to time it around doctor's appointments, I didn't want to take it in when it was raining, blah blah blah.

So I took it in today.  I was a little annoyed because everyone else at the Genius Bar seemed to get really friendly, outgoing helpers.  I got a guy who wasn't UNfriendly, but was just very down-to-business, very matter-of-fact, no-muss, no-fuss.  I explained that my machine makes obscene noises when it tilts, it only uploads certain CDs (and I tested it; it's not the CDs -- and I can NOT have a machine that refuses to load Michael Jackson), and it's started to make an odd groaning noise (as of two days ago.

My guy ran some diagnostics, then asked me if he could take it back and take it apart.  Sure.  He said it would take about five minutes.  While he did that, I called Mom for a few minutes.  Then I watched the guy next to me get his machine taken apart in front of me, told his machine had liquid damage, but it would repaired free (a one-time exception to the "we don't fix liquid damage" clause in his warranty).  And I kept waiting... and waiting... and waiting.  So then I figured he must be fixing my machine.  And I hoped it was free because no one had come out to give me an estimate, as I had been promised would be done when I was explained the process when I had come in earlier to talk to someone about my issues (my computer issues, that is).

Sure enough, he came out about fifteen minutes later and said, "So.  I have one question for you.  Do you have a cat?"  "Yes," I said sheepishly.  "The inside of your machine was COVERED in cat hair."  Basically, my fan almost couldn't move.  I was completely embarrassed.  But the guy was nice.  He had completely wiped it down, even cleaning the fan blades with alcohol wipes.  And since I had asked him about cleaning the screen properly (he recommended clean socks), he had even cleaned the screen, my track pad, and the outside of the machine.

I asked him how to keep cat hair out of my machine, and he said that when I have it not on a hard surface, put it on one.  So if I'm using it in bed, for instance, just put a book under it.  Because if it's directly under a blanket, the fan will suck the cat hairs that are on the blanket into the machine.  So he told me now that he had cleaned it out, go home and see if that didn't cure everything.

I am now happy to report that the newest MJ album is now loaded on my baby.  :)

(Although it's still making that odd groaning noise.  So I'll take it back in and see about that some day soon.)  Overall, though, a great Apple experience!

Good-bye Dame Liz Taylor

I know Dame Liz actually died yesterday, but I figured that y'all had probably heard enough about her the, so I figured I'd spread out the Liz overload one more day.  :P

As I posted on Twitter yesterday, I immediately had two thoughts when I heard about her passing.  (1) Well, I guess the tabloids finally got one right (but it was thought in a sarcastic sense.  I mean, it doesn't really count when they've been screaming this as a headline for the past umpteen years AND the person is already an older person in failing health.  Call it when it's young, vital person, and I'll be more impressed.  I mean, even a broken watch is right twice a day.  C'mon.)

And (2) Now she can join her friend Michael (Jackson) in Heaven, and they can both rest in peace.

It bothers me that as her life progressed, she became more and more a staple in gossip magazines and a tabloid fixture.  This is the woman who brought us "Cleopatra" and "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf."  While she also was accused of breaking up a marriage, it's sad that our society becomes so obsessed and fixated on everything we feel people are doing wrong instead of remembering what people have added to our cultural landscape.

She's a friggin' DAME for heaven's sake!  She was instrumental in the founding of amfAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research!  And she's estimated to have raised (or helped raise) more than $100 million toward research, treatment, and public education about HIV/AIDS.  How are these accomplishments less important than eight marriages?  Or that she was a "home-wrecker"?

I think it's sad that when people leave this world, we suddenly start to remember "Oh yeah, this is why we loved that person."  Shouldn't we show that person that love when they're still alive rather than after their death?  Aren't we arsing this up by getting this backwards?  (On the other hand, I do hate it when we turn hypocrite and turn someone that we didn't like into a hero after their death.  "Oh, s/he was the best!"  Please, we didn't like him/her then, let's not go overboard now.)

So, Dame Liz Taylor, rest in peace, and know that you were loved.  Also, thank you for White Diamonds perfume.  For that alone, you have made it very easy to shop for my mom for any holiday, and I shall think of you every time I has a Fancy Occasion.

One year ago today...

I've been sitting here for about an hour trying to write this post. I wasn't sure whether to write that the world lost a legend a year ago, that I lost a personal hero, or that we all lost a musical/dance genius. Because it's all true.

He's outsold any other musical artist. He has inspired an entire generation of other artists in both musical stylings and choreography. He was the first black artist to have a music video played on MTV (remember when MTV actually played videos?). He co-wrote "We Are the World" with Lionel Richie, a song for charity, which was the fast-selling U.S. single in history. He's overcome personal demons, many of which have been documented (and vehemently denied by Joseph Jackson) and some of which I believe we'll never know about. He alluded to some of them in his single "Childhood." He unsuccessfully tried to overcome a painkiller addiction (acquired when his hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial), but the point is that he had the courage to acknowledge the problem and face it - not that he failed. And he was a great philanthropist; he gave over $300 million and founded the Heal the World foundation.

I still have things on my TiVo that I recorded a year ago when the tributes started. Some of them (like the video tributes) I've watched over and over again. But most of them I haven't watched at all because it's just too painful. I still can't believe he's gone, even a full year later.

Random events make me cry. During a scene in "We Are Marshall," the Jackson 5 song "The Love You Save" is played, and I burst into tears. Walking through the city the other day, I heard someone blasting "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," and I found tears streaming down my cheeks. I never knew losing someone I've never met could be so painful.

I understand that some of you reading this don't share my love or passion for MJ, but please be kind to those of us who are still in grieving and are in pain (in general, but especially this weekend). One of the women on my MJ board shared this story this week: She and her fiancé (who are getting married in a few weeks) were meeting with their DJ. Her fiancé mentioned to the DJ how much she loves Michael, and the DJ asked her, "So, have you gotten used to him being dead yet?"

Earlier this week, I ordered a floral arrangement of sunflowers (his favourite flower) to be placed at his internment site today. For the past few weeks, I've been working on two MJ cross-stitch patterns. I was hoping to have them both done by today, but I only succeeded in getting one of them done; I think the other one will be done this weekend, though.

PS. Dear Joseph Jackson: Screw you for filing a wrongful death claim. All MJ fans should file one against YOU.

Ten Things I've Learned Recently

1. If you're in a car singing along to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and doing the requisite dance moves and the people in the car next to you see you, they may point and laugh.
2. They may also then join in.
3. Because Michael Jackson is universal.
4. If you are a dedicated race fan and you think hard enough, you will figure out that crawling out of your second story window and stretching out onto your roof to clear the snow and ice from your satellite dish will restore the signal so you can see the ARCA race.
5. You should NOT tell your mother that you did this.
6. A fun way to pass a snowy morning is to score neighbours on their ability (or inability) to clean their snow-covered car and shovel their car out. Ideally, have Ria as a judge to help score; she's very fair at this.
7. When needing to girl talk, it's good to have four people with slightly different perspectives and styles to give advice.
8. It's also good to have friends who understand that disagreeing with them doesn't mean you haven't listened to them.
9. Maple syrup can be substituted for vanilla extract.
10. Grass will blow your hood up.
    

This Is It

Last night, Ella and I had an evening on the town. We decided to have supper at Marathon Grill and then take in the Michael Jackson documentary, "This Is It."

I didn't get to catch up on Ella's life as much as I wanted to since I hogged up much of the conversation telling her about the dysfunction at work. And, unfortunately, we spent some amount of time trying to flag down restaurant personnel in an attempt to find out if we would actually get to eat our supper before we had to leave for the theater (it took us about 40 minutes to get our food).

The food was good but not spectacular, but props to the restaurant for hiring some excellent eye candy. Well done, hiring people! I won't speak for Ella, but I felt slightly skeevy upon finding out the server who I'd been eyeing wasn't even old enough to drink. Oops.

We headed over to the theater with ten minutes to spare. After we had put in our order, Ella had run over to get the tickets and there was reserved seating, so there was no particular rush, although I did have to wait in line to get the assistive listening device headset. Then, when we got seated, there was a whole seating debacle. I won't go into the whole thing because it was too stupid to take up my energy here and now, but it was ridiculous. Ella summed it up neatly in three words: sense of entitlement.

The movie. OMGWOW. Since I found out last night when I got home that the domestic run has been extended through the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I WILL be seeing this again in the theater. If anyone would like to go with me, just say the word. I also called my mom (an MJ fan, although not as big of a fan as I am) and encouraged her to go see it as there are certain parts that just absolutely will NOT translate to the small screen ("Thriller" special effects, I'll talking to you).

There were times in the movie where I giggled, laughed, and (of course) cried. I came prepared with plenty of tissues, and I used them liberally. I sat next to two middle-aged women who were also pretty familiar with MJ's body of work, and they kept a running dialogue throughout. With my headset on, I couldn't make out what they were saying, though.

I was worried that I'd be upset by the treatment of some of the songs or the dances, as if it wasn't MJ doing them, which is ridiculous. But you know how it is sometimes... you go to a concert and the artist decides to "jazz up" your favourite song and completely ruins it. I guess I've become SO jaded and SO cynical and SO defensive on Michael's behalf that ANY time the media does something about him, I get my guard up.

However, I was only disappointed three times, and I think only die-hard MJ fans would have looked for the moments I was looking for. Once was when he did "Billie Jean." When he did "Billie Jean" for the "Motown 25th Anniversary" special on television, he debuted the Moonwalk. But when he rehearsed the number for the concert, he broke out a LOT of moves and he seemed to be working up to the Moonwalk, but, no. Turns out that MJ is just a cocktease.


The second that disappointed me was when he did "Smooth Criminal." The moment in that video that blew most people's minds was The Lean. And while they recreated a lot of the dance for the concert, there was no lean. Boo. ALTHOUGH I love love LOVE what they did do. I think maybe some moviegoers might have had a "WTF?" moment when they started that segment of the movie, but as soon as it came up, I knew without a doubt that it was going to be "Smooth Criminal." MJ is SO predictable sometimes (and I say that with love. L-O-V-E.) No spoilers here, though. Go see it. (or buy it on DVD at a store not named Wal-Mart on 17 December. /Shameless plug.)

The third (and final) disappointment was that his treatment for "The Earth Song" was almost an EXACT replica of the video. While the video WAS good, I daresay that only the most diehard MJ fans could tell you what it was, the premise of it, or how it unfolds. It certainly isn't one he's KNOWN for. And while I know that environmental issues were always near and dear to Michael's heart, I wish he had come up with something different. He certainly never had a dearth of creativity; I'm not sure why he'd choose this video to recycle.

Overall, though, the movie was amazing, spectacular, wonderful, and then amazing some more. It made me remember how gentle and humble Michael is. How much he cared about the other artists and their talent being showcased. How much he just LOVES what he does. How much he loves music and dance and performing. How much he KNOWS music and IS his music. How much of a technician he is. How much he craved perfection, and how much he wanted his fans to see The Best Show EVER.

The atmosphere in the theater was almost like seeing a mini-concert - there was a small-ish crowd of people who clapped after most songs (not after every song because of the nature of how the movie segued); when familiar songs came on (like "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5"), I wasn't the only one rolling my arms back and forth; it was nice to be a room where I could sit in my chair at the end and sob and feel like everyone understood.

One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was when he performed "Human Nature." He seemed to just completely get lost in the moment and let loose and have fun with the dance moves and the vocals. And that song... what a classic. The other moment when I just about lost was when the first strains of notes of "Man in the Mirror" played. See, when Michael's memorial service ended and they took his casket out of the stadium, that was the song they played. And since then, I can't hear that song without seeing the image of his casket leaving the room.


Missing you, Michael, as always.

This is why God invented flash mobs

See it here.

MJ vs. OJ vs. Hussein

NBC reported that two weeks into Michael's trial, an opinion poll showed that three-quarters of people polled believed he was guilty. Only five percent had a positive image of him. NBC further reports that this (5%) is lower than OJ and lower than Saddam Hussein.

I am shocked, saddened, and disappointed.

Open Letter

Joe Jackson:

Fuck off and die. Seriously.

I hated you before for making his life hellacious. I now hate your even more (which I didn't think possible) for making a mockery of his death.

1. How dare you chide and chastise the world for not acknowledging your son and his impact? He is THE GREATEST SELLING MUSICAL ARTIST OF ALL TIME. He has sold over 100 million albums.

2. How dare you start hawking your new venture on the red carpet of a show that was seriously changed and retuned in THREE DAYS to honour your recently deceased son?

3. How dare you answer a reporter's question about how your family is doing with "great - I'm doing pretty well" a fucking THREE DAYS after your son has died?

4. How dare you respond to a reporter commenting on how difficult to last few days must have been for your family with, "AND?"

5. How dare you use this platform to issue a statement about how you and Mrs. Jackson have "sole authority" over Michael's children?

I hate you. You are a shame and a disgrace to the Jackson family. I can only hope that God has special plans for you when you die. Until then, you need to hope you and I never cross paths. Hell hath no fury like a Michael Jackson fan scorned.

Sincerely,
Min

PS. Michael - screw you for dying and giving him this opportunity to exploit you. Okay, yeah - so I've reached the anger stage in my grieving. I'll take this sentiment back in a few days. I promise.

Still doin' the D

The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Well, I'm still on the first "D." I keep waiting for the shows to explain that they've got it wrong. I keep waiting for the family to say "hey, guess what!" Last night, I asked someone, "Why do they keep saying he's dead??? Why would they do that???? Why would they report false news????"

This morning, I took a box of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins to the office. I explained to the group that it was a bribe. They got Munchkins in exchange for not talking about Michael. Because I just couldn't bear it anymore. After crying off and on all evening yesterday, crying myself to sleep, and waking up crying... I needed a break.

In the meantime, my minions were fast at work. I'd made a bunch of phone calls and email pleas last night to secure newspapers from across the country. I believe that I have papers from Southern California, Denver, Kansas City, Atlanta, North Carolina, New Jersey, and New York headed my way. For my part, I got a copy of all three Philadelphia papers.

When I got home, I turned on the coverage again. The tears came flowed fast and furiously this time. But mostly in anger. The man has been dead for barely a day. And it took less than that for the media to start hurling around "child molestation," "financial trouble," and "possible drug abuse." How dare they. HOW DARE THEY????

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect the shows to act as if the sun shone out of his ass. But can we let the family and the fans grieve? Can we focus on celebrating his life before we focus on the negativity? ALL of us - every. single. person. has made mistakes in our lives, have been misunderstood, and have regretted actions and or decisions. But I fervently hope that when we pass, our survivors will focus on the triumphs and the successes. And why is Michael deserving of anything less? (To that end: To Brian Oxman - FUCK YOU.)

Earlier this evening, I was thisclose to going to New York and joining the crowd at the Apollo Theater. But I feared that if I went, I'd never come home. I'd be with people who got it. People who understood my grief and sorrow. And who doesn't want to leave that comforting feeling of being understood and accepted? I also felt like trying to leave there would be much like holding the hand of a person who dies... and not wanting to let go. Because when you let go, that's the end. It's Over. And it's Real.

So I stayed home. I watched coverage all evening. At one point, I tried to get away from it by watching something I had TiVoed. I started it up, and it ended up that what I THOUGHT I had TiVoed was pre-empted last night for a show about MJ and Farrah Fawcett. So I've been crying for most of the evening. My eyes are puffy and my vision is blurred. I forgot to eat.

I think it's interesting that I posted the lyrics to "Childhood" last night and called it his "most emotionally honest and autobiographical" work, because one of the interviews that I watched today was MJ telling people who have doubts about him to listen to that song because it was "the most honest song [I] have written, and it's the most autobiographical song [I] have written."

When I was a kid, I wore a single glove for awhile. Of course, I didn't have the proper type of glove. So I was the goober who went around wearing one winter glove. In the summer of Missouri. I practiced hours so I could moonwalk. I could do the move where he danced and then jumped onto his toes. I had his videos memorised.

I bought every album he put out. Okay - that's not true. I have every album. But some of the singles and remixes were gifts. I was regularly given gifts of the MJ ilk, and as a result I have most of his older stuff on vinyl. "Thriller" was my first LP and "We Are the World" was my first vinyl single (at least that wasn't a children's read-a-long book accompaniment).

I hope he knows that I always believed in him. I never believed any of the rumors or allegations. I don't know if he bleached his skin, and I could never find it in me to give a rat's ass, other than to worry that he might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. And, as I've said time and time again, and as I will continue to say - I will never believe anyone on this Earth who tells me that he molested anyone. Ever.

But my greatest hope now is that he has peace. That he is happy. And that he knows he was loved.

I will leave you with Seth Green's quote: There are two kinds of people in the world - Michael Jackson fans and losers.

"Gone Too Soon"

Written by Larry Grossman

Composed by Buz Kohan

Performed by Michael Jackson

"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Inconsolable

I got home around 5:00 p.m. Mish told me that Michael Jackson had a heart attack. I started Googling. When I got internet confirmation that MJ experienced cardiac arrest (which is more serious than a heart attack), I immediately started crying.

I called Mom. She is one of few people who knows how much MJ means to me. We have a family rule - if you don't want a knock-down, drag-out fight, you don't say anything even approaching negative about MJ. The last fist fight I was in was about MJ. Someone said something about him being a child molester. I took a swing, then another, until my at-the-time boyfriend restrained me. NO ONE on this Earth will ever be able to convince me that he ever molested those kids. Don't even try. Seriously; don't.

Mom reminded me that all I could do was pray. So I did. A lot. Hard. Then Mish told me that TMZ was reporting his death. I refreshed the Google News page so much it accused me of being a bot and I had to verify my human-ness.

I am alternating between complete denial (I just told Kate that I'm waiting for the story that it's all a mistake) and sobbing hysterically.

I just posted the lyrics to one of my favourite songs of his, "Childhood." I believe this to be his more emotionally honest, autobiographical songs. When people try to tell me how "weird" he is, I point them to that song.

Kate just asked me what about him made him so important to me. I think it's a few things. The most simplistic is that he was my first vinyl. "Thriller," if you must know. Even at a young age, I recognised genius - musical, lyrical, dancing genius. Pure, unadulterated genius.

But part of me also "got" him - at least inasmuch as one can get a person who one has never met. He had a fucked up childhood; so did I. He was robbed of his childhood; so was I. But he capitalised on his talent, and he went on to become succesful despite all of that. So, to a child who grew up with alcoholics, abusive parents, and bad role models all around - that was inspiring.

Some of his songs touched my soul. Some of his music lifted my spirits no matter my mood. Some of his lyrics made me cry.

I've said before that I tend to collect the homeless puppies. Even though he was much beloved by millions of people, I think he was my first homeless puppy.

The world has suffered an enormous loss.

I hope that he is at peace, something he rarely got in his life. I hope that he may rest now, with the serenity and dignity that is due him.

Childhood

Written and composed by Michael Joseph Jackson

"Childhood"

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...